I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize