I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I lost the right to judge tonight
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
