So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
