maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We had to coat check the pizza.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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