the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize