ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
