you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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