one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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