new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I'm always down for nudity.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
