i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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