My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
