i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you didnt know i had herpes?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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