Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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