You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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