Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
