Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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