i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize