Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
