The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
