im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Randomize
