i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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