I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
