he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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