all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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