Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
