Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
