apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
