Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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