the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
