i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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