last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
do herpes really smell.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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