Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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