You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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