You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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