just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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