I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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