remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
