I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
this boner is exhausting
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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