"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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