They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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