i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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