did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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