i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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