we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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