Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
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