when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
