Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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