There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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