How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
