You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
