All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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