My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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