ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
