The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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