I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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