someone threw a dead crab at me
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
