she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
