She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
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