Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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