I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize