Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
